Apology

I’m blacking out,

But my eyes are open.

I can see everything around me falling apart,

But i can’t move to catch it.

I can’t do anything to even soften the fall.

My hands slip off everything i touch, and i can’t find a ledge to hold onto.

I can’t hold onto you.

I can’t hold onto us.

And i can’t hold onto my mother

And i can’t hold onto my father

And everything they hoped for me.

I just fall and i can’t stop falling, but not in love.

Falling out of love. Falling out of my dreams and their hopes. Falling out of myself.

And i hear voices around every corner telling me,

“This isn’t who you dreamed to be”

And “I thought you were better than this,”

And everytime i scream back the words “I tried, and I’m sorry it wasn’t enough!’

It’s a kind of devastating that my entire life is summed up in an apology.

But i’m so tired of trying, and trying, and trying

And it never ever being enough

I want to believe there’s more to life and there’s more to me than apologizing

And trying so hard to have it all end up a waste.

And the scars on my body

And the empty space in my stomach

Convinces me that the weaker i am

And the less space i take up,

The less i can mess things up.