Dressed in white. Dressed in black.

“She’s dressed in white,

And putting off crying”

-”Menswear” the 1975

You are dressed in white,

And you are putting off crying.

But you are not rocket science.

You are simply a pair of frozen

Hands that I hold.

You are dressed in white.

But I, I wear black.

You are the tear in the first blank page

Of an overly read book.

You are the shiny road when it’s just rained.

You are the cold that eats my skin.

But yet, you are dressed in white.

You are more than just a dirty subway station,

But you are less than a woman in a white dress.

You aren’t enough to put off crying.

But you are enough to put off crying.

You are dressed in white.

But you are not the way warm syrup smells in the morning,

Or fresh cut lavender in a mason jar,

Or broken stars in the sky.

You are definitely not just the frozen hands

That I hold.  You are definitely the warm syrup in the

Morning, drizzled over hot pancakes. You are still though the tear in

The first blank page in an overly read book, but you are taped together.

You are dressed in white and you put off crying,

Like any good girl should.

Maybe you are more rocket science than I thought.

Maybe you are just simply dressed in white,

While i sit here,

Dressed in all black.

Here's to You

Here's to the way you sing in the shower,

you're off-pitched, crackly voice. 

Here's to your inability 

to hide a single thing you feel. 

Here's to your messed up hair, 

and morning breath. 

Here's to the way you play the piano, 

your fingers moving too fast for my eyes. 

Here's to the scar above your left eye, 

from hitting your head as a kid. 

Here's to your crooked teeth, 

and your regrets for not getting braces.

Here's to the way you smell,
sweet and pretty.

Here's to your big dreams,
especially the one about the moon.

Here's to your dry hands in the winter, 

always asking for lotion. 

Here's to your dreams 

too big and foolish.

Here's to the way you walk
with your hands in your pockets.

Here's to your real laugh, 

the one you hate and try to hide. 

Here's to the way you rub your forefinger 

and thumb together when you're nervous. 

Here's to the way you cry 

every time we watch E.T.

Here's to the way you smile
when you're deep in sleep. 

Here's to you. 

Every silly, dumb, ugly, perfect thing about you. 

Condescending Smiles

you made the stars seem dim, 

but not because you shined brighter. 

it was because you talked about them

 like they were just dust. 

you painted every blue sky a shade of grey, 

and you made me believe that it was

all just the weather. 

it came easy to me, 

believing you. 

letting you take my very best 

and turn it into my very worst. 

and instead of happy endings

it ends like the movie 

your friends tell you not 

to see, 

because it will all just 

bring you down. 

and i told you i loved the moon

and that i thought rain was beautiful

and that i dreamed of big cities 

and that i would have died for you. 

but you told me i was 

being ridiculous, 

dumb, 

immature. 

and i just stand there, still loving you, 

watch you give condescending smiles 

to what you're really thinking. 

and i just wished everything away, 

time and all your walls 

you built around yourself. 

but just like snow in the winter 

sticks to the ground,  

i let you stick around, 

no, i stick around you. 

  

A New Year

And just like magic, a new year settles in. I’m not sure how I feel about this whole restarting thing. I suppose it is nice to set goals and change things up a bit, trying to improve and renew yourself. But I don’t think I really like moving on, in all honesty. I like to hold on tight to moments, to days, to even years. It breaks my heart to see it all pass so soon. Maybe that’s a pessimistic way to look at it. Like New Year’s Eve is just some sort of funeral for the passing  year, like it’s dead. Of course I already know that and that New Year’s Eve is a celebration of the future and what’s to come and everything that the new year brings. So why dumb it down when it should be something exciting and wonderful?

SNOW

The branches have traded their leaves for white sleeves

Ghosts are made when we take a breath

Christmas lights are tangled in knots

We grab each other and hold on tightly, to keep warm against the cold

The bruises we hide show, like mud beneath the snow.

We hope hard that things will never go

Like young love waiting under mistletoe.

It’s this time of year when we remember that we are

Unconditionally cared for.

We make angels in the snow with a prayer

That the angels will protect us.

As gentle as feathers, the snow piles high

Like fresh plates and clean slates,

The whole world is white

And i wonder if you know

That i’m thinking about you tonight

Apology

I’m blacking out,

But my eyes are open.

I can see everything around me falling apart,

But i can’t move to catch it.

I can’t do anything to even soften the fall.

My hands slip off everything i touch, and i can’t find a ledge to hold onto.

I can’t hold onto you.

I can’t hold onto us.

And i can’t hold onto my mother

And i can’t hold onto my father

And everything they hoped for me.

I just fall and i can’t stop falling, but not in love.

Falling out of love. Falling out of my dreams and their hopes. Falling out of myself.

And i hear voices around every corner telling me,

“This isn’t who you dreamed to be”

And “I thought you were better than this,”

And everytime i scream back the words “I tried, and I’m sorry it wasn’t enough!’

It’s a kind of devastating that my entire life is summed up in an apology.

But i’m so tired of trying, and trying, and trying

And it never ever being enough

I want to believe there’s more to life and there’s more to me than apologizing

And trying so hard to have it all end up a waste.

And the scars on my body

And the empty space in my stomach

Convinces me that the weaker i am

And the less space i take up,

The less i can mess things up.

Ode to you

You’ve always been special to me,

Made me feel like it was some

sort of love or something.

I like the way your eyes

look and how I can see stars

and pretty things dancing

in their shade of blue.

I like the way your face looks

when I’m arguing with you.

And I like the way you answer

the door in your pajamas

when I knock .

So when we’re old and breaking

down like that  beat-up car

you park outside my house,

I hope you’ll always remember

that I’m not half as bad as what

you’ve been told.

I like how i can’t stop smiling

At you.

I think that’s why we’re here

Again.

And I pour my heart out

Towards your optimistic grin.

I wonder why you’re always

So happy when everything

Wrong is in your world.

I think you’re the reason

I’m this way, too.

I remember that time you

Called me, wanting

To talk about all the terrible

Things that were

Getting onto you.

That was the first time I saw you cry.

And I remember the first time

You told me you were in

Love.

But it wasn’t with me.

It still isn’t with me.

But the way you strum

your  guitar with your fingers

And the way your words

Smother my thoughts

And the way I found your

Sweet smell on the sweater

You let me borrow on that

Bitter night that still leaves

A bad taste in your mouth.

And when my days are

Dark and filled with pain

I lay on the floor, wearing

Your clothes, contemplating

What to do with myself.

But the only thing i know

Is that i don’t know

If you even remember why

You left

Or if you

Miss me.

And maybe you’ll never know

That i always loved you,

Or if you know that my sleepless

Nights were filled with you.

Maybe you don’t know

But even if you don’t,

This is my ode to you.