Apology

I’m blacking out,

But my eyes are open.

I can see everything around me falling apart,

But i can’t move to catch it.

I can’t do anything to even soften the fall.

My hands slip off everything i touch, and i can’t find a ledge to hold onto.

I can’t hold onto you.

I can’t hold onto us.

And i can’t hold onto my mother

And i can’t hold onto my father

And everything they hoped for me.

I just fall and i can’t stop falling, but not in love.

Falling out of love. Falling out of my dreams and their hopes. Falling out of myself.

And i hear voices around every corner telling me,

“This isn’t who you dreamed to be”

And “I thought you were better than this,”

And everytime i scream back the words “I tried, and I’m sorry it wasn’t enough!’

It’s a kind of devastating that my entire life is summed up in an apology.

But i’m so tired of trying, and trying, and trying

And it never ever being enough

I want to believe there’s more to life and there’s more to me than apologizing

And trying so hard to have it all end up a waste.

And the scars on my body

And the empty space in my stomach

Convinces me that the weaker i am

And the less space i take up,

The less i can mess things up.

Ode to you

You’ve always been special to me,

Made me feel like it was some

sort of love or something.

I like the way your eyes

look and how I can see stars

and pretty things dancing

in their shade of blue.

I like the way your face looks

when I’m arguing with you.

And I like the way you answer

the door in your pajamas

when I knock .

So when we’re old and breaking

down like that  beat-up car

you park outside my house,

I hope you’ll always remember

that I’m not half as bad as what

you’ve been told.

I like how i can’t stop smiling

At you.

I think that’s why we’re here

Again.

And I pour my heart out

Towards your optimistic grin.

I wonder why you’re always

So happy when everything

Wrong is in your world.

I think you’re the reason

I’m this way, too.

I remember that time you

Called me, wanting

To talk about all the terrible

Things that were

Getting onto you.

That was the first time I saw you cry.

And I remember the first time

You told me you were in

Love.

But it wasn’t with me.

It still isn’t with me.

But the way you strum

your  guitar with your fingers

And the way your words

Smother my thoughts

And the way I found your

Sweet smell on the sweater

You let me borrow on that

Bitter night that still leaves

A bad taste in your mouth.

And when my days are

Dark and filled with pain

I lay on the floor, wearing

Your clothes, contemplating

What to do with myself.

But the only thing i know

Is that i don’t know

If you even remember why

You left

Or if you

Miss me.

And maybe you’ll never know

That i always loved you,

Or if you know that my sleepless

Nights were filled with you.

Maybe you don’t know

But even if you don’t,

This is my ode to you.

EYES

Your

Eyes

Give

You

Away.

When

You

Say

One

Thing

But

What

You

Mean

Shows

In

Plain

Sight

Like

Clear

Salt

Water.

Even

The

Clouds

On

A

Foggy

Day

Mask

The

Sky

Better

Than

Your

Eyes

Mask

Your

Intentions.

I

Like

Your

Eyes.

They

Remind

Me

Of

The

Rain

And

Of

Ocean

Waves

And

I

Think

I’ll

Always

Love

That

About

Your

Eyes.

I

Fell

For

Your

Eyes

When

I

First

Met

You

And

Ever

Since

Then

I’ve

Continued

To

Fall

More

And

More

Every

Day

For

Them.

And

I

Miss

You

Always

When

I

Think

Of

Your

Eyes,

And

How

When

I

Kiss

You

It

Feels

Like

A

First

Kiss

Each

Time.

And

I

Remember

Everything

You’ve

Ever

Said,

And

I

Really

Miss

You

And

Your

Eyes.

Carpe Diem

“Carpe Diem” “live life to the fullest” how annoying are both of these sayings. How are you supposed to have a career, a family, an education, if you’re always carpe-ing the Diem or living to the fullest? If you’re living every moment to the absolute fullest, there would be no time to sit through boring lectures or make plans for life. You’d simply be too busy living in the now, whatever that means. It is important to live life, but that doesn’t mean fill every single moment with spontaneous and exciting and risky things. It means choosing, between seizing the day, or getting done what really needs to get done. What you choose doesn’t make life more or less full, it’s the fact that you have to choose that makes you truly alive.

Pantoum Poem

from the window

i watch him from the window. 

i eat a silver strawberry.

i want to hold him closer. 

i want to push him further away.

i eat a silver strawberry.

the taste reminds me of old love.

i want to push him further away.

but tomorrow will come too soon.

the taste reminds me of old love.

i wish i could go back.

but tomorrow will come too soon.

so i sit alone in patience.

i wish i could go back.

back to when it was simple.

but as i sit alone in patience.

i realize i can never go back.

i miss when it was simple.

our love was sweet and real.

but i know i can never go back.

the past is in the past.

our love was sweet and real.

it was untouchable and gold.

but the past is in the past.

it is time to move along.

it was untouchable and gold.

like a sky full of diamonds.

but it is time to move along.

it is time to catch a grip.

it was once a sky full of diamonds.

but now a sea full of fear.

it is time to catch a grip.

it is time to wipe the tears.

it's now a sea full of fear.

i long to hold him closer.

i want to be the same.

but it's time to wipe the tears.

so i watch him from the window.

Free Verse Poem

i miss you.

I found my old teddy bear in the corner. 

a hole in his neck and dirty white fur.

he told me how he missed me. 

how he wants the child me back. 

how he missed my tight hugs.

i told him about my best friend.

about the cute boy from biology.

about the the endless piles of homework.

for the first time in years we held each other tight.

i smoothed is ruffled fur. 

a tear rolled down my cheek.

i missed him too.

Paradelle Poem

be okay.

i continued to stare at the blank page.

the blank face. 

the blank stage.

i wanted to say what i meant.

without saying a single word.

without taking a single breath.

i jumped back and forth. 

from the open window.

from the open door. 

i knew it'll be okay soon. 

maybe next week.

maybe by noon.

but then the worry left my head.

it went to my heart.

it went to my friends.

that's when we knew it won't be okay.

it'll be bad tomorrow.

it'll be bad today.

but maybe someday far down the road.

we'll have love in our arms.

we'll have a place for the throne.

and that's when we'll know it will by okay.